Pregnant At Last

Bright morning and baby dust to you all! I have a confession to make. Well, it's more like the progress in the last week or so. My last period was September 1-5, 2017. On Sept 20th, I went to the doctor because I had been feeling nauseous, lightheaded, and about 30 other symptoms. I mentioned that we were TTC so he had me pee in a cup. I wasn't pregnant. He was, however, curious about my thyroids and asked me to go in for blood work (I haven't been in yet- I'm busy. I'll do it tomorrow). My period was expected to be September 30th, and when it didn't show up, I used my last dollar store HPT. Again, it was negative. I even started forming my next TTC post for you, titled The BFN Hangover. Because I had tested twice and wasn't pregnant, it made sense to me. Oh, and here it is, for those of you who are curious what I would have said;

So, last time I briefed you on some of the lingo I have come across while charting my first month TTC. For those of you who don't know, BFN means Big Fat Negative (a negative pregnancy test). My version is a bit more "colorful" as the 'F' isn't child appropriate but of course the fact that its negative means I don't care.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Well, TTC month #2 came and went with the same disappointing results. Nothing. And even though it's only been 2 very short months, I feel like we've been trying for an eternity and I just want to throw in the towel. I feel awful for all the ladies out there who have been trying for years to no avail. I salute you, sisters-in-trying. My mind has been driving me up the wall. And in a way, perhaps I have given up. I still take my pills, and we BD whenever we're both home for the night, but my heart isn't in it.

Trying for a baby has become a chore. It's lost all it's glowing lights and glitter. Oh, I guarantee, the day I get a BFP I'll be as high as a hippie with a fat joint. But for now, I'm just... Meh.

The first month is fun! You watch your calendar, asking for the baby dance so often your partner thinks he's died and gone to Heaven.

And that, ladies, is where it ended. You see, this blog is a part time thing, and it only gets done on my spare time at work. I work for my mom so spare time is plentiful, usually.

Day 5 of my missed period comes along and still no sign of AF. Really? I sit down with my friend Kelly (who happens to be my neighbor) on the back porch, and she tells me to get another HPT. I want to, but I don't want to. First of all, I already took one on the first day of my missed period and it was negative. Secondly, I was showing zero symptoms. And on top of it all, I didn't want to confirm 'what I already knew'.

"But then I'll take it and it will be negative and then I'll be even more disappointed than before," I tell her. She continues to push me and I slowly feel the excitement of a what-if settle in. After saying goodbye to our men, who are happily gaming out in our basement suite, we head to Wal-Mart and buy a test. $4.00 for the cheapest test there, so I get it. When we get home, she tells me to wait until morning. At this point, I'm so hyped up I just want to know NOW. And yet I wait.

I'm awake early. 8:35am. For my days off, this is very early. I like to sleep in on the weekends. But here I am. I lay there, playing games, and then suddenly, I remember. The test! I crept out of bed and escaped the room to the bathroom. Test out, reading the instructions carefully because I've never peed on a stick before (the dollar store ones use a dropper). I take the test, replace the cap, and stare at it. At first, I think the blue line is just from the color creeping across the test area. But it stays there. I blink, and the sleep in my eyes makes it all blurry again. Rub my eyes. Look again. Its still there. Maybe its just burned into my memory because I'm seeing what I want to see? But it stays. I text Kelly, hoping she's awake. She promised me we'd go shopping for Rex's announcement gift if I was. I text mom, but she's in church. And I didn't want to tell Rex until I had an announcement gift ready. So I cried. I smiled. I cried some more. And you best believe I held onto that stick like my life depended on it.

*Originally Posted October 10, 2017*